I’m pretty sure that I am one baby/pregnancy announcement away from a complete nervous breakdown.
Don’t mistake me, I am happy for my friends and family and their beautiful new babies and babies on the way. I love seeing all the precious pictures and I’m excited for every gender reveal and pregnancy update but for all of that happiness each one is like a knife in my heart. They make my belly feel hollow. That sickly jealous feeling that I hate kicks in. It is an exhausting feeling.
I was nervous from the first positive test. I was sure it was too good to be true and I knew that I would be uneasy until I saw that ultra sound. I keep thinking now that somewhere deep down I knew something wasn’t right. I kept waiting to feel that magical pregnancy feeling but I mostly felt worried. Maybe that is how everyone really feels. I don’t have the guts to ask. I feel guilty. Maybe this was like when you have to clap your hands and believe to save Tinkerbell. I know that is nonsense and that a blighted ovum is a blighted ovum but the thought still scares me.
All I want is another chance. I am ready to try again. I know it will probably be scary and hard but I am going to believe with all of my heart and soul. I don’t know if it will help but it can’t hurt either.
The waiting is the hard part. Everyone keeps telling me how soon we can try again and that we will be pregnant again before we know it. All I have to do is wait for one healthy cycle. The problem is that no one can tell me when I will start again. It is so frustrating because I have been charting for ages. I know my cycle. Usually I can tell you almost down to the day when day one will be. I’m in the dark now and it is scary to feel like I don’t know my own body.
Mr. White has been my rock. He reminds me that someday we will have our baby. By hook or by crook he always says. He is the one who reminds me that it is ok to keep planning and dreaming and to keep holding on to the things we have acquired for the baby and to keep picking out new things. He won’t let me get rid of the stockpile of board books I have stashed on my shelf at the bookstore where I work.
Most recently he brought home big nut brown hare. Guess How Much I Love You is an important book for my family. It basically represents my mother and how she loved us. She always told us that she loved us to the moon and back. Every day. My little brother has the nut brown hares tattooed on his arm looking up at the night sky. We saw him in a store and it was all I could do not to cry. I could picture myself taking pictures of our baby with big nut brown hare every month to show how big she is getting. Mr. White knows me so well. I told him I didn’t need it and that I could probably find it online later but when he picked me up from work there it was sitting in the car waiting for me.
Every time I see that big smiley bunny I feel hope welling up inside me. The waiting is painful but it will be so worth every moment of this pain to hold that baby in my arms. To make my husband a daddy again. To grow and love and nurture a little life and bring it into the world.
So come on uterus. I’m ready when you are. Let’s get this show on the road.