February.20.2017

It has been almost 4 months since Mr. White and I stood in front of the people we love on a beautiful autumn day and promised to love each other forever and always and all the evers after. There were cakes and pumpkins and silly dances and happy tears. When we pulled away in our hearse full of presents and flowers we just couldn’t stop smiling both because it was a perfect day and because we never have to plan a wedding again. We’ve been best friends and soul mates and lovers for 3 years but now we are husband and wife and we couldn’t be happier. We have a house we love, 2 crazy teenagers, and the worlds greatest bull terrier, and our little world is pretty darned happy.

It has been 2 months since we saw the little blue lines that meant that we were about to start an amazing new adventure together. We told our closest family and friends right away but waited until Christmas to let the cat out of the bag, it was too early really but we were so very very excited we couldn’t wait. I started choking down vitamins the size of a loaf of bread and cutting out my latte addiction and generally wishing I didn’t have a sense of smell. We couldn’t wait to  see our first ultrasound and research strollers and find out the gender. Being a mother has always been the dream of my life and I was excited but I just didn’t feel certain without seeing that first ultrasound.

It has been 5 weeks since I started bleeding and ended up spending the day before my first doctor’s appointment in the emergency room terrified and heartbroken. No heartbeat. No baby. I had never even heard of a blighted ovum. We tried to wait for things to happen naturally but my body refused to let go of the baby that would never be and I had to have a d&c. The procedure was done 2 days before the anniversary of loosing my mother and I was a mess. My doctor was an absolute dream helping us through every moment of this completely devastating time. My sister in law works in the office and she made all of our appointments and worked with her mother on all of my blood draws. Our families and friends have surrounded us with love and kindness and patience. We just found out that my hcg levels are low enough that once I have a cycle we are released to try again. 5 weeks ago I was crying over bleeding and now I’m crying because waiting to bleed again sucks so badly. We are broken but we are hopeful. 

10 days ago we signed on the house we have been living in for nearly 3 years. Mr. White has been working so hard to fix credit that his first marriage made a mess of. I am so proud of him for doing this amazing thing for our family. Our home is ours now. It is a pretty blissful feeling both scary and exciting. 

Our lives have been a roller coaster (cliche as it sounds) but that is how life is and luckily for us we are a good team. We celebrate the good things and we hold each other up through the bad. 

I love my husband and my family and even through the heart ache I love the life we have created together. Not all of our adventures have been easy or fun but I can’t wait to see what is next for the White family.

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