It is that time again…. the dreaded two week wait. The fun part of ttc is behind us (or at least the peak days are, we are newlyweds after all) and now we wait. I keep noticing little things that my very hopeful mind keeps translating into signs of pregnancy but I am trying to tut tut myself and keep a level head about it. I’m excited but I am also pretty butterfly tummied about the whole thing.
Mr. White has cheered me up with a little friend from childhood. I am soooo obsessed with the Labyrinth and have been since I was tiny and having my very own Firey doll is pretty much the bee’s very knees. His head, arms, and legs come off and I love him. I am tempted to order a second as I’m sure maybe baby would love to play with him and I am not so sure I will be willing to share. I love the idea of introducing my little one to my favorite movie with a special lovee to cuddle.
(Does anyone else see the scary face in the curtain?)
We are also distracting ourselves by redoing the bathroom. Mr. White painted today and I love it! We’ve gone from a very light grey to a Behr Marquee color called Warm Onyx. It looks quite dark almost black (which I like) but it has a warm bronze undertone in the light. We just switched all of the towel racks and such to lovely rubbed bronze to match the faucets my husband loves so much. We replaced this terrible 1960’s light fixture that somehow involved 6 bulbs and no actual light to this one that seems positively blinding in comparison but is much subdued by the dark walls. I need to lower that mirror as half the household are under 5’2″ and sort out new curtains. My bestie Katie bought me a lovely sewing machine and I think my first project should be bathroom curtains which I’m sure Katie could teach me to make without going to mad. I suppose I might eventually tidy the counters as well…
We have also become quite obsessed with British quiz shows. My father’s mother and many of my aunts and uncles are from York and although I haven’t gotten to visit the old country, I am a pretty big Anglophile. If I can end my day with a cup of tea and Noel Fielding I am pretty pleased indeed. If you’ve never seen Countdown, I’m not sure what you’ve been doing with your life. I know that I should be getting lots of rest but here I am at midnight and I’ve just used all of my feminine wiles to convince Mr. White that we should have just one more episode while Byron the bull and I devour blueberries.
Is it the 27th yet? I’m not sure there are enough blueberries or diy projects or quiz shows and there are 13 days left. Fingers crossed. Toes crossed. Eyes crossed.
I had an interview today for a shift lead position at the book store where I work. I suppose I should be worrying over whether or not I will be chosen but I’m too distracted by the fact that nothing gets Mr. White twitterpated like a cute biz cas fri look.
Here I am at 32. I have a pretty magical life and several many adventures ahead of me. I’m so grateful for all of the amazing gifts life has given me. I have amazingly supportive family and friends who have gotten me through the hard parts. 31 was a pretty crazy year and I can’t wait to see what 32 will bring.
I’m not much for birthdays really. I don’t like to be the center of attention or to be fussed over and I’m such an introvert that I have to schedule a day of rest for myself after all of the socializing they tend to involve. Mr. White has done a pretty awesome job of balancing his love of parties and surprises with what he knows would make me happy and comfortable. He has arranged several small gatherings instead of one big one and given me plenty of time to rest or just be with him in between.
Friday we both had appointments to have our eyes tested and spent the afternoon puttering around the mall waiting for his new glasses to be ready (my eyes are terrible I won’t have my new glasses and contacts until the 12th 😭). We ate pretzels and held hands and stole kisses in the hallways like teenagers. We balanced out our teenager afternoon with a trip to our favorite antique store where we spent a few hours searching for treasures. We like to play this game to see who can find the most nightmare inducing item. When we got home some of our friends were there to surprise me with a little birthday get together. We drank pomegranate cider and ate pizza and the adorable chubby goth mermaid cake my friend Angie made from scratch. We made bath bombs and played silly games and stuck balloons to Byron. It was low key and delightful.
Saturday Mr. White had to go out to the shop with the boys to work on the hearse so I stayed home and did the washing up after the party, napped, and took a nice long bath with one of my bath bombs. I soaked in the quiet and recovered from a late night and a long day of shopping. We spent the evening watching Star Trek with our best friends Katie and Matt while Katie and Loony made me yet another cake. I am so spoiled.
Today is my actual birthday and we celebrated by sleeping until 10 and then having lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant with my family. Mr. White and I go to the Dragon Cafe whenever we can sneak away for a date. We are obsessed with this dish called Crispy Fish and endless pots of god hot tea. I don’t hang out with my family very often and it was nice to catch up.
We escaped lunch to check out a new indoor farmers market near our house to pick up some veggies for dinner. My husband is king of the grill. He made the most delicious salmon with lemon and dill plus a fresh salad, green beans, and yummy buttery fingerling potatoes. Katie and Matt us and my brother and sister in law and niece and nephew joined us. Katie and Loony debuted their beautiful blueberry and lemon curd layer cake which was absolutely delicious and so thoughtful. Being a wicked stepmother is a pretty rewarding experience sometimes. I am so happy and sleepy. I’m especially glad to spend the rest of my night snuggling with my puppy and my husband.
A beautiful birthday weekend.
I’m pretty sure that I am one baby/pregnancy announcement away from a complete nervous breakdown.
Don’t mistake me, I am happy for my friends and family and their beautiful new babies and babies on the way. I love seeing all the precious pictures and I’m excited for every gender reveal and pregnancy update but for all of that happiness each one is like a knife in my heart. They make my belly feel hollow. That sickly jealous feeling that I hate kicks in. It is an exhausting feeling.
I was nervous from the first positive test. I was sure it was too good to be true and I knew that I would be uneasy until I saw that ultra sound. I keep thinking now that somewhere deep down I knew something wasn’t right. I kept waiting to feel that magical pregnancy feeling but I mostly felt worried. Maybe that is how everyone really feels. I don’t have the guts to ask. I feel guilty. Maybe this was like when you have to clap your hands and believe to save Tinkerbell. I know that is nonsense and that a blighted ovum is a blighted ovum but the thought still scares me.
All I want is another chance. I am ready to try again. I know it will probably be scary and hard but I am going to believe with all of my heart and soul. I don’t know if it will help but it can’t hurt either.
The waiting is the hard part. Everyone keeps telling me how soon we can try again and that we will be pregnant again before we know it. All I have to do is wait for one healthy cycle. The problem is that no one can tell me when I will start again. It is so frustrating because I have been charting for ages. I know my cycle. Usually I can tell you almost down to the day when day one will be. I’m in the dark now and it is scary to feel like I don’t know my own body.
Mr. White has been my rock. He reminds me that someday we will have our baby. By hook or by crook he always says. He is the one who reminds me that it is ok to keep planning and dreaming and to keep holding on to the things we have acquired for the baby and to keep picking out new things. He won’t let me get rid of the stockpile of board books I have stashed on my shelf at the bookstore where I work.
Most recently he brought home big nut brown hare. Guess How Much I Love You is an important book for my family. It basically represents my mother and how she loved us. She always told us that she loved us to the moon and back. Every day. My little brother has the nut brown hares tattooed on his arm looking up at the night sky. We saw him in a store and it was all I could do not to cry. I could picture myself taking pictures of our baby with big nut brown hare every month to show how big she is getting. Mr. White knows me so well. I told him I didn’t need it and that I could probably find it online later but when he picked me up from work there it was sitting in the car waiting for me.
Every time I see that big smiley bunny I feel hope welling up inside me. The waiting is painful but it will be so worth every moment of this pain to hold that baby in my arms. To make my husband a daddy again. To grow and love and nurture a little life and bring it into the world.
So come on uterus. I’m ready when you are. Let’s get this show on the road.
I love my husband.
I love the way he just knows when I need a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup.
I love the way that he makes me laugh no matter how yucky I feel.
I love that when I wake up late for the third day in a row and throw my hair into that top knot that says “it is time to wash my hair” he walks in and tells me how sexy he thinks I am with soft romantic tossled hair.
I love that he works so hard to provide for his family and that he puts that same energy into the things he enjoys like guitars and hearses and our little museum of oddities and creepy things.
He is handsome and passionate and charming and kind. He is the very first person to help a friend in need. No one leaves our house without a full belly and a smile; maybe a book or two.
He is so very silly. He makes the best popcorn known to man. He lets me put my cold feet on him at night. His touch makes my knees weak. He treats our handsome English Bull terrier like one of our kids and also like his best friend. He can fill the hot water bottle without getting the cover wet.
He can be impulsive and he gets fired up easily. He loves his whisky and occasionally a little too much. He bites his nails and he snores almost as loud as the dog. He is an even bigger book hoarder than I am. He is loud and feisty and sometimes he drives me batty but I wouldn’t trade him for anything.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.
It has been almost 4 months since Mr. White and I stood in front of the people we love on a beautiful autumn day and promised to love each other forever and always and all the evers after. There were cakes and pumpkins and silly dances and happy tears. When we pulled away in our hearse full of presents and flowers we just couldn’t stop smiling both because it was a perfect day and because we never have to plan a wedding again. We’ve been best friends and soul mates and lovers for 3 years but now we are husband and wife and we couldn’t be happier. We have a house we love, 2 crazy teenagers, and the worlds greatest bull terrier, and our little world is pretty darned happy.
It has been 2 months since we saw the little blue lines that meant that we were about to start an amazing new adventure together. We told our closest family and friends right away but waited until Christmas to let the cat out of the bag, it was too early really but we were so very very excited we couldn’t wait. I started choking down vitamins the size of a loaf of bread and cutting out my latte addiction and generally wishing I didn’t have a sense of smell. We couldn’t wait to see our first ultrasound and research strollers and find out the gender. Being a mother has always been the dream of my life and I was excited but I just didn’t feel certain without seeing that first ultrasound.
It has been 5 weeks since I started bleeding and ended up spending the day before my first doctor’s appointment in the emergency room terrified and heartbroken. No heartbeat. No baby. I had never even heard of a blighted ovum. We tried to wait for things to happen naturally but my body refused to let go of the baby that would never be and I had to have a d&c. The procedure was done 2 days before the anniversary of loosing my mother and I was a mess. My doctor was an absolute dream helping us through every moment of this completely devastating time. My sister in law works in the office and she made all of our appointments and worked with her mother on all of my blood draws. Our families and friends have surrounded us with love and kindness and patience. We just found out that my hcg levels are low enough that once I have a cycle we are released to try again. 5 weeks ago I was crying over bleeding and now I’m crying because waiting to bleed again sucks so badly. We are broken but we are hopeful.
10 days ago we signed on the house we have been living in for nearly 3 years. Mr. White has been working so hard to fix credit that his first marriage made a mess of. I am so proud of him for doing this amazing thing for our family. Our home is ours now. It is a pretty blissful feeling both scary and exciting.
Our lives have been a roller coaster (cliche as it sounds) but that is how life is and luckily for us we are a good team. We celebrate the good things and we hold each other up through the bad.
I love my husband and my family and even through the heart ache I love the life we have created together. Not all of our adventures have been easy or fun but I can’t wait to see what is next for the White family.